it's getting hard to be someone..but it all works out {it doesn't matter much to me.}

I'm not the most outgoing of people. And I'm fine with that. And I don't mind being around people who are more social than I am. But there are some who just being around drains me. It's like I fade into the background and don't matter, and I can't seem to cut into the conversation no matter how hard I try. If you touched me I'd be a two dimensional black outline of myself. As if they need to dominate the situation no matter the circumstance. Typically a red personality. Ironically this brings out the white personality in me, and I just let myself fade. As if they are sucking the color out of me. And it's not just one person, it's a phenomena that occurs with a certain kind of person that I can't even describe the requirements of. Sometimes color suckers are sneaky and passive-aggressive. And sometimes they only start to show signs after time. I would love to say that there are people who exhibit traits of color suckers, but aren't credited the title..just of color sucking every once and a while..but I'm afraid that this is against the nature of one. And they have no idea they're doing it.

I hate writing posts that are this self centered..

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{but when the sun shines again}

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that.
Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.

-Martin Luther King Jr

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The Color Code

 So one of my favorites books is The Color Code by Taylor Hartman, which I highly recommend to everyone. It's a personality profile and you take a quiz at the beginning to determine your "core color" and "secondary colors". The four different colors represent four different personalities. One's core color is their core personality which they cannot change, the secondary colors are traits {good or bad} from the other colors mixed into the core color. My core color is blue, and my secondaries are white then yellow {the fourth color is red, and I am not red at all}. Lately I've been trying to figure out what has made me who I am, so I thought rereading this book would help with that. As I was reading it this morning came across this paragraph and really liked it.

"Blues see the world through positive and healthy emotional eyes as well. They care deeply for those elements of living that tug at their hearts. Weddings, parades, and birthdays are great cause for celebration, but Blues even see beyond the events and take time to reflect on the lives of those involved. They think of their own weddings and what it means to be in love. They consider all the hours it takes to prepare the costumes and mechanics of a parade as it passes by. Blues wonder how their aging grandmother feels on her seventieth birthday, and are mesmerized by a three-year-old blowing out candles on a cake. They "make" time for sharing the important moments of life."


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if i could open my arms.

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{because I feel like reposting} Listening:

Breathe this air deeply, sister,
For they stand around you;
The trumpets in the crickets,
And the choirs in the dew.

Feel my arms encircling you in the sun.
Let it warm your most secret scars.
Let them fade and erase
On your face and arms.

Lie in the whispering quiet, my sister,
And I will run the hands I scarred for you
Out of raw, pure, perfect love,
With forgiveness over your cuts and bruises.

Lie in the sighing grass, sister,
And rest your tired eyes
Which have looked and seen too much,
But whose hope never dies.

Do you hear me whisper, sister?
I know that you try,
And I know that it’s hard,
But know that I hear you when you cry.



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{strawberry fields forever.}

          I write this blog because it makes me happy. I can create, and share the contents that fill my soul. The photographs I take and the quotes that whisper to me, and the sketches and poems that pretty much speak the words I’m too scared to or don’t know how to.
          I hate it when people misunderstand me. It absolutely tears me to pieces. I work so hard on the things I create and then people just throw them aside and make an excuse for why I’m wrong. Those writings and photos and sketches, and even the clothes I wear, are the only way I know how to contact a world that seems to want nothing to do with me. That ignores me and writes me off as weird and artistic. It’s the last way I know how to truly communicate what I feel, what I love, what I hate, my opinions, and my views.
          I do not want to be psychoanalyzed, irrationally hated, and despised for every movement I make, heart I post, and signature on my sketches. I do them for me, and no one else. So I feel extremely violated that people could read into it so much to the extent that they think I do all of this because of them. It’s weird to think that people think they’re that important in my life when in reality, I hardly even know them. And it destroys me that they could believe that I am the way I am because of them. This could not be further from the truth. I want my work to be interpreted as a reflection of me, not of someone who I would supposedly aspire to. You have no idea how much this hurts me.
          I get my inspiration from nature, the earth, God, professional artists and photographers I admire, Edger Allen Poe, little kids, sunlight, summertime, simplicity, all past decades…hardly ever from anyone I know personally; never if I do not know them that well in the first place. In the cases where that is so it is usually one set of photographs or one sketch or poem that I have created to honor them or because they have asked me to. My whole basis of creation is not set upon on one person. Not at all. Including the clothes I wear. My inspiration for that is usually a mixture of fashion bloggers, music, bands I enjoy, past trends, and things I just simply find fun.
          I have figured something out during the course of my life; that I have a great impact over the control of my happiness. If I recognize something or someone is causing me hurt I can try to delete if from my life. It’s like a little baptism of sorts. That’s what this is. Why would I read something or hang around someone who causes me so much pain I’m fuming? If I can spare myself that then what is leaving a group of people where someone who undermines my self confidence is? Or what is deleting someone on Facebook who reminds me of things I don’t want to think about? If I can spare it why not do things that will make me happy and move on through things that don’t, even when it’s hard to, and it always is. My life is so incredibly easy when I live it with eyes closed. But I would much rather see. How do I ever expect to see if I am knowingly blinding myself with things I know are hurting me?
          This doesn’t mean that in return I must be cynical and passive aggressive to the person or about the thing. That would be silly. It would defeat the purpose. I will kindly and cordially find more uplifting and fulfilling things to do. I will not waste my time on those emotions and I will not let them control me.
          I have also learned that I cannot control other people. Only myself. I can’t make someone be happy, or solve their problems or worry about what they’re thinking. I can only help or impact them if they let me. And they won’t always. But I can focus on my life and my happiness.
          The road that has gotten me to where I am has been long, and indescribable. But it has gotten me to where I am. It is my path designed for what I need to learn in this life. I am not following along behind someone on their road because I want to be like them. Likenesses would be purely coincidental. I cannot help if I am similar to someone. Changing because I am would be dishonest and unfair to myself.
          Who I am, what I am, and what I have become has been between me and God. And I am proud to have triumphed. You cannot comprehend the tremendous personal feats I have gotten through. With God’s help {I cannot take all of the credit, or even most of the credit. I would literally wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for Him reminding me that He loves me no matter what.} It’s like I forget how severe everything truly was by telling myself I was over reacting at the time. I wasn’t. It’s almost like it never even happened, but yet it’s still so fresh to reread those times in my life I can still taste what every single emotion felt like piling me down. I am proud I destroyed it. I want to be able to use the light I found out of that darkness to dispel others’ darkness. The darknesses still haunt me, though. So when the protection I have built for myself is destroyed by ignorant people it completely and utterly destroys me in turn. The only benefit I know that I can offer to people from my experiences is through what I create. It’s selfish for people to feel entitled to my successes by accusing me of unoriginality. I have worked so hard for those, yet people believe they can tiptoe in and claim them without the slightest damage to me. That is naivety at its epitome.
          I do not know how else to get my point across, or feel as though I can help or improve the situation other than writing this. I am at a bit of a loss, and I don’t know what else I can do about it. So I will shun the unhappiness from my life and move through it. I hope that this will show my side of the situation and stop the behaviors which I am referring to. I really am sorry that there is any need for this post. 



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last 2010s!

 Kirstie doodled this in her notebook last year, and found it again this year and texted a picture to me. We peed our pants laughing about it for days.

This is my lucky penny, George Lincoln, Abraham Lincoln's brother. He was the less loved brother because he had a slightly bigger nose. I carried this little guy around with me constantly and introduced him to teachers and other kids. Up until he ran away with a bug on my wall named Geoffery. Jerks. I loveded you, piggy! I loveded youuu! Needless to say the rest of my week sucked. Then the next week sucked even worse.

This is the best use I've found for my AP US history textbook yet. Team Green-blue-purple is totally kicking Team Orange-red's butts.

I won this baby in seminary and was uber excited. I half did it before seminary was over. Then I went to school and finished it before school started. Then I did it once more at the end of first period science because we had a bunch of time left. Pretty much half the class helped me with that one. It was entertaining. The name of it on the box is 'Dino Attack!'

This is the 'gingerbread' {graham cracker} house I made this year. My brother and sister's were so much better. Mine resembled my nephew's.  They tried to make me feel better by saying it was Seussesque. I just felt like living my inner 6 year old. The gummy bears are in couples and I gave them frosting hats with pink sugar sprinkle/sparkles.

I got bacon chocolate when we went to Seattle on Wednesday and Thursday. It's like salty chocolate with little crunchy bits and an overall essence of bacon. It's rockin.

 I also bought floral pants at H&M while in Seattle. Hahha, my legs look silly in this picture.


And now I am finally done with recapping 2010 in pictures!

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more 2010!

I really like this one.

So, pretty much I was just messing around editing this one and it turned out fantastic and exploded. It was pretty cool. So I thought I'd repost.

I just really like the colors and perspective of this one. That's Alaska down there. While we were at this point my brother said, 'Hey look, there's an airplane down there..that was weird sounding..' We were high up.

I like this one. I like graffiti that actually says interesting stuff rather than the regular swear words or SALLY <3S JUSTIN BIEBER! I found this little gem under a bridge while taking pictures while my friends were swimming.

 This was at the same placeish as the last one. My friend found a little dead fish in the water and scooped it up and put it on a rock and I started taking pictures of it. They thought I was weird, but I really like how this turned out. I only thought of the lyrics and speech bubble recently and thought to myself, 'perfect!' when paired together. My sister took one look at it and said, "Kaylyn...he's not floating.." No, Andrea, no he's not.

Cake soup. The ultimate cure-all-epic-win.



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:)

The next few day will be my favorite pictures from 2010. Some silly, some pretty..but mostly silly:) These are mostly the pictures that didn't fit in my 2010 overview in pictures..but were still very much worth sharing..some for a second time.

I love these daisies! They were purple in the middle and progressively got more yellow towards the outside of the petals. Then I found the same daisies except opposite! So I planted both..then they died. But one day I was outside and noticed they'd come back to life! I can't decide whether to make a Jesus or zombie reference..

I like this picture because it's simple, and I didn't think that much of it until Sheena from The Layered Pancake featured it first on her blog.

This is from my friends and I little attack on our other friends room. The TV is om nomming a Veggie Tales cassette, get it?:D

We labeled a lot of things..This one was my idea, and I'm pretty proud of it:)

"What the hell am I supposed to do with a crying lobster?!"

Kirstie got me this ring:) My nephew likes it. That was also the day we discovered how amazing Toy Story 3 is and shared dinosaur silly bands. It was a good day.

 

I like this sketch. It was like a bunch of mini sketchlettes that would have been lonely on their own. It also saved room in my sketch book which was nice. 

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