Here's a hand to lay on your open palm today.

Sometimes it just takes a good dear Johning.





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Aaahh!!! Real Monsters

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{where they are.}

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{i'll eat you up, i love you so}

There were some buildings... There were these really tall buildings, and they could walk. Then there were some vampires. And one of the vampires bit the tallest building, and his fangs broke off. Then all his other teeth fell out. Then he started crying. And then, all the other vampires said, "Why are you crying? Weren't those just your baby teeth?" And he said, "No. Those were my grown-up teeth." And the vampires knew he couldn't be a vampire anymore, so they left him. The end.
Where the Wild Things Are

Scar Tissue by The Red Hot Chilli Peppers

Dear Kaylyn, 

          We don't let very many people see us. But they don't know that. They applaud us for seeming as if we don't let anything get to us. But it does. All of it. And it stings like standing in the middle of a rain storm without a jacket. If only it could actually sting instead of sitting there rotting..waiting to hurt. But when it doesn't guilt says that it should. 

          We can't let them see we bruise, but why? Why must everything be stifled? You say these words and act so nonchalant and I'm behind every one of them asking why you're even saying them at all. Because you don't mean a single syllable that comes from them. I know you can hear me, even above the monsters that whisper obscene things to you. That's all they are; monsters. They crawl around in your rib cage and try to convince you that they are you, but they are not. I am. We are you. 

          You let yourself hurt. You know that; you know the things you do that hurt. Maybe you know how not to be this way..maybe you just get off track. Everything used to be good. You learned how to be happy, but something happened. It was all we ever wanted. If we could only be happy then everything would change. Somehow, for some reason, being happy wasn't enough. There needed to be more still. We don't know what. Being happy was so..lonely. 
    What are we supposed to learn from this? Why are they supposed to be in our life? We knew the sweetest peace that could come to any..how was it that that was destroyed?

           Maybe sharing secrets is a mistake. But maybe it's not. It's a little too late now.. What does Heavenly Father want us to do from this? 

          Those voices that tell us we aren't good enough don't come from the places that we think, they come from the monsters. We hear 'be a good example' and they say 'you're failing'.

          Maybe sharing secrets isn't such a bad thing...is it so wrong to want someone, anyone to be able to see? To understand... Yes, there are other people we could tell, but we don't want them to think about us differently. I just.. I don't know.. They aren't the right people to know.. Is it our fault if we're using someone else's 'person'?

          We look around and everyone else seems to be pulling it off. You ask us, 'then why can't you?' {with a little added embellished language from the monsters}. Why can't we just be satisfied with the way things are and be perfect already? Hasn't there been enough proof of our worthiness? The people we look at haven't see as much as we have, but is that really so much of an excuse to keep 'failing'? 

          "They will learn to love you for what you are." Those are among the most comforting words I have ever known. If not the most comforting; they are meant solely for me. Spoken through my grandfather from my Heavenly Father and Brother. "What I am", not who, but what. I may not know who I am anymore..I did once..but I know exactly what I am. I am a daughter, and a sister, and I have worth. Endless, infinite worth. They are proud of me already. 

          "They" will love me for everything that is me. Not just because I'm creative, or silly, or make the best ice cream sundaes ever, or any of the other worldly things that I honestly do not care or want people to love me for. My worth is not in those objects. I am so much more than that. I am faithful, and strong. I can stand up for what I believe in, and resist the stupidities that are thrown at me everyday. I can make it through mighty winds, yea shafts in the whirlwinds. I can make it through hail, and mighty storms that beat upon me. And it shall have no power over me to drag me down to the gulf of misery and endless woe. Because of the rock upon which I have built myself upon {Helaman 5:12}.  

          I can see worth in other people, and I can help them. I have seen it happen, and it baffles me a little bit; that I can use all of the terrible experiences of my life to help other people. I can inspire them. I would have never thought that someone as grotesquely imperfect as I could inspire someone. But how could I not yearn for her to taste of the exceeding joy of which I did taste; that she might also be born of God, and be filled with the Holy Ghost {Alma 36:24}? How could I possibly forgive myself of that; of keeping that from someone?

          Do not listen to those monsters in your head. It does not matter what they say at all. They tell us, 'you fail', 'you are not worth anything', 'you cannot even successfully live', 'you make your own life hell', 'stop screwing everything up'. It doesn't matter how many people tell us that; whether they be real, or monster, because it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength {Mosiah 4:27}. Do not worry if man thinks you are perfect, or of worth. Heavenly Father and Christ already know you are. You are worth It. He is glad to have died for a sister like you.

Love,

Kaylyn

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monsters..

Happy 101st post, and happy much love monday:)

loving: being alone ♥ my best friends ♥ indian food ♥ study parties that turn into regular old parties ♥ sharing secrets ♥ simplifying ♥ best friend chocolate ♥ sick days ♥ being able to hide the monsters ♥ missing tests that I'm not ready for when I'm sick ♥ coincidentally matching cardigans ♥ staying in pajamas all day ♥ tea ♥ indie ♥ vh1's best songs of the 90s alll dayy longg ♥ when it rains really hard ♥ not eating a ton of halloween candy ♥ having an incredibly mellow weekend ♥ adding a ton of new songs to my playlist ♥ pretending that I don't have algebra and ap us history that I need to do ♥ not caring anymore ♥



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Do you ever wonder?

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I'll eat you up I love you so.

I think you have to know who you are. Get to know the monster that lives in your soul, dive deep into your soul and explore it.
~Tori Amos

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Much Love Monday:)

Today I am loving sketching and watercolors:) I decided to dig out my mom's old ones instead of waiting to buy pencils. And I was really excited so if you notice some crooked lines and messy painting jobs that's why. Also it was my first time trying to seriously maneuver watercolors on brushes that I'm not too fond of anymore. See, the sketches are little, and the brushes are big[ger, they aren't really big, big] I just need to teach myself how to use them better:)

These are the ones that I got inspiration from Marc Johns, that I was talking about before.

Other things I am loving on this Much Love Monday:

♥ best friends ♥ impromptu  play dates ♥ venting ♥ sweaters on a rainy day ♥ the last bits of summer ♥ new friends ♥ inside jokes ♥ sideways smiley faces:) ♥ saving good/funny/cute/day making texts to reread when I'm feeling silly ♥ Sheena from The Layered Pancake for featuring my photos! ♥ shadow puppet chinchillas ♥ best friend shenanigans ♥ texting until the wee hours of the morning ♥ best friend birthdays ♥ creating something and not feeling like I have to explain it ♥ being done with summer homework so I can relax for two days before school starts ♥ early morning seminary because I'm a nerd ♥ boys that say 'omg' ♥

 
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Like you imagined, when you were young.

So, science isn't really my forte.. So one day last year I drew this picture after finishing a test because I was too lazy to start the homework I was supposed to be doing:

It's the contents of my mind. I even drew it in pink sparkly gel pen:) then I folded it up into a heart, which is why there are creases in it. It includes the works; princesses, disco, ice cream, dinosaurs, robots, a magician, and references to Flight of the Concords {bubblegum pie} and Panic at the Disco {bottom left corner, the sun and the moon drinking tea in a garden under green umbrella trees}.

Then a few days ago I finished a sketch that I realized was a lot like the other one. It's what makes me, me:)

This is pretty much the epitome of my soul, by the way. And a lot neater than the first picture I did:)




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Tangerine trees, and marmalade skies

This is the new sketch book I got, but when I took the stickers off of the front and back it left icky stickiness. So I covered it up by drawing pictures from the old notebook I was sketching in:)

The front is Steve, the monster.

The back is another monster, who is telling you he loves you:)

The first sketch I did in it:)

Do you get it?!

I had to explain this to my family.

{Picture yourself, in a boat on a river...}

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Please, don't go.

I'll eat you up, I love you so.

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I made it myself!

I cannot write or read that without thinking about Invader Zim. So anyways, on this blog which I follow and love she is doing a whole week of little things that she made herself. Today's post reminded me of something that I made myself almost exactly a year ago {a year and two days, crazy, huh?} Okay, so I made them with this cheap putty stuff that I had.. and the pictures aren't too great.. and they're a tad bit blurry.. but this is a creation I made a while ago.. so don't laugh too hard, okay:)

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Stormy seas and inspirational reads

I was reading the book MEE Thinks by Mary Ellen Edmunds last week. I came across this excerpt that I especially liked and I thought that I'd illustrate my thoughts and share it:

      " I've been thinking about fellowshipping.
       One day when I was thinking about it, I had an imaginary scene come into my mind. There was a little ship out in the ocean in a terrible storm. It was tossing around, and as the waves and the storm grew stronger, there was an increasing likelihood that the little ship was going to tip over and sink and be lost forever.
        But then here came little fellow ships, venturing out in the storm, finding the ship that was in trouble, surrounding it, and safely guiding it to a protected harbor.
       Can you think of someone who's being tossed around in a terrible storm who might be searching through the darkness for a fellow ship to come to the rescue? "




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