Hello, i love you.

Scar Tissue by The Red Hot Chilli Peppers

Dear Kaylyn, 

          We don't let very many people see us. But they don't know that. They applaud us for seeming as if we don't let anything get to us. But it does. All of it. And it stings like standing in the middle of a rain storm without a jacket. If only it could actually sting instead of sitting there rotting..waiting to hurt. But when it doesn't guilt says that it should. 

          We can't let them see we bruise, but why? Why must everything be stifled? You say these words and act so nonchalant and I'm behind every one of them asking why you're even saying them at all. Because you don't mean a single syllable that comes from them. I know you can hear me, even above the monsters that whisper obscene things to you. That's all they are; monsters. They crawl around in your rib cage and try to convince you that they are you, but they are not. I am. We are you. 

          You let yourself hurt. You know that; you know the things you do that hurt. Maybe you know how not to be this way..maybe you just get off track. Everything used to be good. You learned how to be happy, but something happened. It was all we ever wanted. If we could only be happy then everything would change. Somehow, for some reason, being happy wasn't enough. There needed to be more still. We don't know what. Being happy was so..lonely. 
    What are we supposed to learn from this? Why are they supposed to be in our life? We knew the sweetest peace that could come to any..how was it that that was destroyed?

           Maybe sharing secrets is a mistake. But maybe it's not. It's a little too late now.. What does Heavenly Father want us to do from this? 

          Those voices that tell us we aren't good enough don't come from the places that we think, they come from the monsters. We hear 'be a good example' and they say 'you're failing'.

          Maybe sharing secrets isn't such a bad thing...is it so wrong to want someone, anyone to be able to see? To understand... Yes, there are other people we could tell, but we don't want them to think about us differently. I just.. I don't know.. They aren't the right people to know.. Is it our fault if we're using someone else's 'person'?

          We look around and everyone else seems to be pulling it off. You ask us, 'then why can't you?' {with a little added embellished language from the monsters}. Why can't we just be satisfied with the way things are and be perfect already? Hasn't there been enough proof of our worthiness? The people we look at haven't see as much as we have, but is that really so much of an excuse to keep 'failing'? 

          "They will learn to love you for what you are." Those are among the most comforting words I have ever known. If not the most comforting; they are meant solely for me. Spoken through my grandfather from my Heavenly Father and Brother. "What I am", not who, but what. I may not know who I am anymore..I did once..but I know exactly what I am. I am a daughter, and a sister, and I have worth. Endless, infinite worth. They are proud of me already. 

          "They" will love me for everything that is me. Not just because I'm creative, or silly, or make the best ice cream sundaes ever, or any of the other worldly things that I honestly do not care or want people to love me for. My worth is not in those objects. I am so much more than that. I am faithful, and strong. I can stand up for what I believe in, and resist the stupidities that are thrown at me everyday. I can make it through mighty winds, yea shafts in the whirlwinds. I can make it through hail, and mighty storms that beat upon me. And it shall have no power over me to drag me down to the gulf of misery and endless woe. Because of the rock upon which I have built myself upon {Helaman 5:12}.  

          I can see worth in other people, and I can help them. I have seen it happen, and it baffles me a little bit; that I can use all of the terrible experiences of my life to help other people. I can inspire them. I would have never thought that someone as grotesquely imperfect as I could inspire someone. But how could I not yearn for her to taste of the exceeding joy of which I did taste; that she might also be born of God, and be filled with the Holy Ghost {Alma 36:24}? How could I possibly forgive myself of that; of keeping that from someone?

          Do not listen to those monsters in your head. It does not matter what they say at all. They tell us, 'you fail', 'you are not worth anything', 'you cannot even successfully live', 'you make your own life hell', 'stop screwing everything up'. It doesn't matter how many people tell us that; whether they be real, or monster, because it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength {Mosiah 4:27}. Do not worry if man thinks you are perfect, or of worth. Heavenly Father and Christ already know you are. You are worth It. He is glad to have died for a sister like you.

Love,

Kaylyn

♥